The Essay I Don’t Want to Write

This title may arouse your curiosity; it has mine. As I write intuitively, we are both reading it for the first time. It’s about facing yourself. Last night my son took me to hear Krishna Das. It was a lovely evening of kirtan...him leading the audience in chant and response. I had never had this experience before and it was powerful. It lasted almost three hours and at the end, as the last strains of his harmonium died away, a rich silence was felt. It rang with inner music.

The words that KD spoke were self-deprecating and far-reaching. He said he hung out at the back of the temple where his guru, Neem Karoli Baba, and his disciples were. He was, he said, “at the back of the temple in his inner darkness.” He said with a soft laugh that outer darkness is nothing compared to the inner. Everyone can relate to that.

At another point in the music, he also said that all of us have to be forced to serve God.

A truth like that needs lots of space around it.

He speaks of western culture teaching us to be too hard on ourselves. We have to let go and trust ourselves and our lives. Use the letting go muscle.

I read a few articles about him today about how he knew he had to begin singing in America to people who hadn’t known him in India. He offered himself up and the rest is history.

I called this the essay I don’t want to write because I know I haven’t really done this yet.

When I do, there will be lots of space around me.

*****

My mother is in the last days of her terminal cancer. I received a powerful message
from a sage today: “Forgive the cancer.”

Sit with that and be healed.

If you want to write me, here I am.

I have added a new link. It is Randolph. Below is the link to his beautiful
video called Liberation. Believe it or not, I had this dream myself some years ago. It was a “big dream,” pointing to the ultimate freedom. Watch it and let yourself soar.

Several days ago I learned that my mother has terminal cancer. As you can imagine, I have shed some tears. At first the doctor said she had less than a month; but today he sent her back to the nursing home where she lives. He told my sister to take it one day at a time. As some of you know, it was my sister who sat with Bob as he made his transition. My mother is in good hands, as Amma is her guru and watches over us all.

I spoke with my dearest friend about whether or not I should visit my mother. It is a long fly-drive and the weather is frigid. More than that, I saw her this summer and have lovely memories of that, which will turn out to be the last time I saw her in good health. She is 87 and has been the family matriarch for a good many years.

My friend said this to me: “You ARE sitting with the dying. You sit with it every day. And then you write. And then if someone is open enough, they read it and understand. The
work you do is for those left behind. Making the unbearable bearable.”

I love you all and will continue to be here....will you?

Happy Valentine’s Day...I went to Dunkin’ Donuts for a dozen and obviously they are more popular than roses...because I ended up with the last few they had, practically. Bitterly disappointed to get only one chocolate one...and some I didn’t like especially. But then I never met a donut I didn’t like.

I didn’t see Larry and Ruin in there. It’s a sad day when you don’t see them at DD or Walmart...

I don’t have any new material this week. Visit yourself consciously instead and be your own valentine.

Love and powder sugar hugs...Vicki

Write me to request an MP3 here.

Someone asked me to talk about inner peace and the result is two new MP3’s. They are Part I: The Spiritual Snag and Part II: Mount "I Want To, But I Can't". Rather than me trying to explain them, why not just go to Audio and listen. If you have a subject you would like to hear me discuss, I want to hear from you.

I have been cooking my brains out-everything from Peanut Butter Bars to Chicken Tortilla Soup. It’s too cold to do much else. I have been reading through some old Swami Z material and I think it’s time to reprise him. So stay tuned.

Today I made Disappearing Marshmallow Brownies. I may be getting to be a better cook than Swami...

Next week is Valentine's. I love you all.

Vicki
You can send me a Valentine here :)